Who Wants to Be A Millionaire SGC Style!
by Sarah74656
Summary: If you've read 'The Weakest Link SGC Style' then you'll know what to expect. SG1 and friends are still trying to raise some extra cash, so they go on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire!
1. Chapter 1

_Title_: Who Wants to be a Millionaire – Couples Edition - SG-1 Style!  
_Category_: Attempted Humour. The second weirdest crossover ever, with 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' (The first was with 'The Weakest Link')  
_Spoilers_: None really, just harmless ramble. A couple of characters mentioned from season four, but out of context.  
_Season/Sequel info_: Set anywhere, it doesn't really matter, although previous knowledge of some of the characters involved would mean you got more of the attempted jokes.  
_Rating_: PG, and that's going a bit over the top.  
_Content Warnings_: Nothing, except badly written parody without a plot.  
_Summary_: What? It's supposed to have a story line? Oops! Anyway, it's basically when a few of our friends (and enemies) from our favourite TV series go on the TV show, 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' That sounds fun… 

_Disclaimer_: I don't own any of this wonderful stuff. Unfortunately. I wish I did, but the lucky devils at ShowTime, Gecko and MGM have the pleasure, so I guess I'll just have to be content with doing what I do now, writing for fun. I don't get any money for it either. Sigh. And I don't own 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' either. Thanks to the BBC for letting me play around with that. Oh, and they don't give me any money either, damn! I should also thank whoever makes the desk calendar – all the questions are from it, so if you think the answers are wrong blame them, not me!

_Author Comment_: If you've read 'The Weakest Link SGC Style' then you'll have a good idea what to expect here. A very similar premise, but with the other popular gameshow on the TV at the moment. So, R&R, let me know whether you like it better or worse. If you hate it, there's always my fairytale fics...

* * *

"Hello, and welcome to today's special edition of the couples edition of 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?'! Today we are welcoming a number of couples from the US Airforce. Joining us today we have Samantha Carter and Jack O'Neill, from Colorado!"  
"Hi."  
_applause, they wave_  
"Janet Frasier and Daniel Jackson, also from Colorado!"  
"Hi there."  
_applause, they wave. Daniel seems to be a little camera shy, and tries to hide behind Janet. He doesn't succeed  
_"Teal'c and Dray'auc, from Chulak!"  
"Greetings."  
_more applause, Teal'c nods_  
"And finally Harry Maybourne and Anise Freya!"  
_there is silence_  
_prompters wave 'applause' signs at audience, who doesn't want to know  
ahuge pause is followed by laughter as the producers play the wrong pre-recorded sound  
lots of confused looks_  
_applause soon follows as correct tape is retrieved _

"Welcome to you all. Now, first is the 'fastest finger first' round, so let's go. Put these in order, highest rank first. A: Airman, B: Major, C: Captain and D: General."

_music plays_

"Right, let's see how you did with that. The correct answerwas DBCA,and you've all got it right except for Harry and Anise, but the fastest couple to do it was Samantha and Jack! Congratulations! To the hot seat!"


	2. Chapter 2

"Welcome to 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' both of you."  
"Hi."  
"So, Samantha, Jack. Tell us a little about yourselves. When did you two meet?"  
"Well, it was about 4 or 5 years ago, erm, we got put on the same team, and erm, incidentally, it's Sam."  
"Sorry?"  
"My name. It's Sam." _host frowns_  
"O…K…" _Jack glares at him. He shuts up_ "So, anyway, your first question. What is the name of the metal worn by horses on their hooves? Is it A: horseshoes, B: horseboots, C: horsesandals or D: horsewellies?"  
"A: horseshoes." _Sam answers. Jack stays silent_  
"Correct, you win £100. Next question, for £200. In which winter sport did Torvil and Dean win Olympic medals? Was it A: bobslighing, B: ice skating, C: ski jumping or D: curling?"  
"B: ice skating." _Host gives Jack a funny look – he hasn't said anything yet_  
"Correct. For £300, what kind of garment is a 'poncho'? Is it A: a boot, B: a hat, C: a belt or D: a cloak?"  
"D. It's a cloak." _Jack smiles at the host_  
"Erm, Jack, do you agree?"  
"Yup."  
"So that's your final answer?"  
"Yup."  
"OK, well, erm, it's right. So, for £500, what is the name of the music and poetry festivals held in Wales? Is it A: promenades, B: carnivals, C: olympids or D: Eisteddfods?"  
"D." _host looks nervy_  
"Are you sure?"  
"Yup."  
"Erm, ok. Well, erm, right again. Now, for £1000. The slogan '57 varieties' is associated with which company? Is it A: Ford, B: Nestle, C: Heinz or D: Cadbury?" _Sam rolls her eyes, Jack grins_  
"C, Heinz."  
"Is that you final answer?"  
"Yes."  
"Are you sure?"  
"Yes."  
"Very sure?" _Jack glares at him_ "OK, you're sure. Well, you're right! You've won £1000. Whatever happens you go home with at least that. Congratulations!"

_dramatic lights and music_

"So, what do you like doing in your spare time then?"  
"Fishing."  
"Fixing my motorbike."  
"At the same time?"  
"Usually."  
"Don't you spend time together when you're not at work?"  
"No, we work together."  
"Oh, an office couple." _they glance at each other_  
"Erm, not exactly, no. We-"  
"Does your boss know?" _host is getting quite excited at the possibility_  
"Erm, wouldn't it be a bit stupid to come on national television if he didn't?" _host shrugs_  
"So what's your boss's name then?"  
"General George Hammond. He's over there in the audience with Cassie." _Cassie waves madly_  
"Right… Is Cassie his granddaughter?"  
"No."  
"Right, ok… So, anyway, back to the questions!"

_dramatic lights and music_

"OK, for £2000, which building, famous for its maze, is on the north bank of the Thames in London? Is it A: Sandringham, B: Hampton Court, C: Balmoral or D: Clarance House?"  
"B, Hampton Court."  
"Are you sure?"  
"Yes."  
"So that's your final answer?"  
"Yes."  
"OK, well, good choice, you just won £2000! Next question, for £4000, which Gilbert and Sullivan work is set in Venice? Is it A: Ruddigore, B: The Gondoliers, C: the Mikado or D: Iolanthe?"  
"Has to be B, the Gondoliers."  
"Why?"  
"Other than I know it is"?  
"What about you, Jack?"  
"If Sam says it is, it is."  
"Well, I can see who is wearing the trousers in this relationship."  
"Erm, we both are."  
"No, I meant— never mind. So, is that your final answer?"  
"Yep."  
"Alright then. You win £4000! Next question, for £8000, which type of jacket is named after a New York country club? Is it A: Bolero, B: Oilskin, C: Windsheater or D: Tuxedo?"  
"As tempted as I am to just get this wrong and go home, the answer is Tuxedo, D."  
"Is that your final answer?"  
"For cryin' out loud! Would she have said it if it wasn't?"  
"OK, OK. So you're sure?" _Jack glares. If looks could kill, we'd be minus a host about now_ "Erm, yes, you are. So, right again! Now, for £16,000, in which month does the grouse-shooting season begin? Is it A: July, B: August, C: September or D: October?" _Sam sighs, Jack is still grinning_  
"Everyone knows this… B, August. And if you ask me if I'm sure, I'll shoot you."  
"Oh, so I'd say you're sure then?" _Sam glares menacingly_ "OK, OK! Well, you're right, anyway. Now, for £32,000, which chemical element has the atomic number 1? Is it A: helium, B: neon, C: hydrogen or D: nitrogen?"  
"Are these questions supposed to be hard? I reckon even Cassie knows this." _Cassie jumps up and down in her seat_  
"I do, I do!" _Host's face lights up_  
"Why don't you phone her and ask her then?"  
"Because I know the answer too! Grief… It's obviously C, Hydrogen." _Host looks disappointed_  
"Oh. Well done. You're now going to go home with at least £32,000. Hooray for you."

"So, is being in the airforce fun?"  
"We fight for a living. There's shooting, there's blood, there's death. People die. It's a blast."  
"It sounds that way." _pales at the thought_ "So, erm, fancy telling us anything else about your lives, since I seem to have run out of questions?"  
"Not really. If we take too long we'll take up the entire show, and no-one else will get a chance to win any money then."  
"Erm, that's the idea..."  
"We noticed. Look, can we just have the next question please?"  
"If you insist…"


	3. Chapter 3

"OK, for £64,000, which of these characters appears in the Charles Dickens novel 'David Copperfield'? Is it A: Sarah Gamp, B: Nell Trent, C: Clara Pegotty or D: Lucie Manette?"  
"It's C, Clara Pegotty."  
"You, erm, you don't want to maybe use one of your lifelines maybe? To make sure?"  
"No, I know that's the right answer."  
"Oh, OK then. Well, you're right. Well done. So, now, for £125,000, the capital of Liberia is named after which US president? Is it A: Polk, B: Monroe, C: Grant or D: Cleveland?"  
"Hey, Mark was there last week! It's B, Monroe."  
"You don't want to take a 50-50 do you? You know, just to make sure?"  
"Isn't that just another fancy way of asking me if that is my final answer?"  
"Erm, maybe."  
"Look, was I right? Just get on with it, please."  
"OK, OK, yes, it's right. You win £125,000. Now, for £250,000, in mythology, Terpsichore was the muse of what? Was it A: dance, B: history, C: painting or D: astronomy?"  
"Before I answer this, I just want to say thank you to Daniel. This will prove I do listen to what you say, and that it is useful. Occasionally. It's A, dance."  
"You don't want to maybe phone him and check?" _Sam and Jack both glare_ "OK, you don't. You're sure. You got it right though, well done. Next question, for £500,000, members of which religious order were known as the 'Grey Friars'? Was it A: Dominican, B:Canthusian, C: Fransiscan or D: Carmelite?"  
"This was on Horizan last week… it's C, Fransican."  
"You know, I happen to know that there is an overwhelming number of Fransican monks in the audience today – maybe you should use your 'ask the audience' and check with them!"  
"Give it up, will you?"  
"Alright. Can't blame a host for trying though, can you?"  
"Yes, we can."  
"But you won't."  
"Yes, we will."  
"Please?"  
"Oh, alright then. If you get on with it."  
"OK! I can do that… well, once again, Sam, you are right, I bet you'll miss out on the million though!"  
"Why is that?"  
"Because being a 'couples' edition you both have to answer at least one question each, so Jack has to answer the last question otherwise you'll both be disqualified!" _confused looks_  
"I'm sure that wasn'tin the rules."  
"It wasn't. I just added it."  
"Can you do that?"  
"I'm the star of this show – of course I can!"  
"Typical."  
"So, for £1 million, Jack. In the film 'The Wizard of Oz', which role was played by Bert Lahr? Was it A: the scarecrow, B: the tin man, C: the cowardly lion or D: the wizard?"  
"Wow! It's A, the scarecrow!"  
"What? How do you know that?"  
"He's my role model – lack of brains, soft on the inside and always after Dorothy's heart."  
"Right..."  
"So, have we won then?"  
"Are you sure you don't want to use a lifeline?" _steely glares from Sam and Jack_ "OK, you're sure! Well, congratulations! You win £1 million! Be sure to enjoy it, won't you?"  
"We will. Bye!"  
"Good bye to you, Sam and Jack. They go back to Colorado in the US with a whopping £1 million!" _applause as they leave the stage_

"Right, now it's time for another 'fastest finger first' round. Fingers on your keypads everybody, here we go. Put these countries in order according to when they gained independence. A: Australia, B: India, C: Namibia, and D: the USA."

_dramatic music plays_

"Right, so let's see how you did. Well, the correct answer was DABC, but no-one appears to have got this right. Actually, only one couple appears to have attempted this at all, so Harry and Anise, please come to the hot-seat!"


	4. Chapter 4

Welcome to you both."  
"Hi."  
"So, apparently the other consoles have broken down! How do you feel about being the only couple lucky enough to have survived this unfortunate malfunction?"  
"Twist of fate. We just feel sorry for them, that the fragile Tau'ri equipment broke so easily." _Harry tries to look inconspicuous as he shoves a pair of wire cutters into his pocket  
_"Damn shame. Terrible."  
"But you're glad to be here?"  
"Of course, of course."  
"Good. So, Anise Freya – that's an unusual name. Care to tell us how you came about it?"  
"I did not 'come about it'. Freya was the name of my host, Anise was that of my symbiont."  
"Excuse me?"  
"She means that Freya was her host's name, erm, the person who looked after her when she was younger, erm, she's an orphan, erm, and Anise was the name of her mother, erm, dead mother, erm, who she always felt was with her for many years, erm, after her death, obviously. Erm, yeah."  
"You seem to know her family history quite well, Harry. So, have you two been together a long time then?"  
"No. We joined for the purpose of this TV show, for the benfit of the Tok'ra/Earth alliance."  
"The what?"  
"She means that we haven't been an official couple very long, we've obviously been together at least 2 years, wouldn't have let us on the show otherwise, would we? Haha."  
"Yes, quite. What did she say about Toke something?"  
"Erm, Tok'ra? That's the name of… the obscure religious sect we're in. It's very strict and, erm, we are forbidden to talk about it to outsiders."  
"Of course you are. Anyway, let's start the questions, shall we?"

_dramatic music and lighting_

"For £100, which of these is a type of fish? Is it A: catfish, B: horse fish, C: elephant fish or D: hyena fish?"  
"Erm, I'm not sure. Anise? What do you think?"  
"It is your world. I just perform evil experiments in it."  
"Great lot of help you are."  
"I knew the question posed to Major Carter and Colonel O'Neill earlier about the molecule of hydrogen."  
"It's not the questions I'm worrying about – it's the answers!"  
"Ahem. Can I have your answer please?"  
"Erm, not yet. Can we go 50-50?"  
"Well, if you want to, sure, why not! Computer, please take away two wrong answers. Well, you're left with A: catfish and C: elephant fish."  
"You have voice recognition computers?"  
"Erm, well, kind of."  
"This technology has not been told to us! This is a breach of our alliance! I must inform the High Council!"  
"Is she on about your religion again?"  
"Erm, yes, of course she is. Anise, they're not voice-activated. It's pretend so it looks good on TV. Isn't it, Chris?"  
"Well-"  
"Isn't it?" _menacing look from Maybourne_  
"Erm, of course. That's right. Not real at all. Haha."  
"See?"  
"Oh. OK."  
"Great. So, have you decided on an answer yet?"  
"Erm, no. Can we ask the audience?"  
"Of course you can! This day is getting better now after all!"  
"Get on with it, please."  
"Alright, alright… OK, audience! Keypads at the ready, and vote now!" _music plays as audience frantically push buttons_ "Well, it seems pretty conclusive to me. 99 think it's A, catfish, and one person seems to think it might be C, elephant fish!"

_hilarious laughter. Embarrassed audience member tries to sneak out inconspicuously_

"So, what do you two think?"  
"I still don't know… can I phone a friend?"  
"If you really want to."  
"I'll phone Jack, then."  
"As in the one who was in here earlier?"  
"That's him."  
"OK. Here goes…" _phone rings_  
"Hello?"  
"Hi, Jack, it's Chris Tarrant here, from 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?'"  
"Oh, you. What do you want?"  
"I've got Harry Maybourne and Anise Freya here, they're a little stuck on the first question. Do you think you could help?"  
"Yeah, I guess."  
"Hi Jack!"  
"Hello Maybourne."  
"Jack, which of these is a fish? A catfish or an elephant fish?" _snorts of laughter from Jack_  
"You don't know? Grief, Maybourne, you're even more of an idiot than I thought you were."  
"Just tell me the answer, will you?"  
"OK, OK. It's A, catfish. Have fun!"  
"I will. Bye Jack."  
"Bye."  
"So, what's your answer then?"  
"I think we'll go with C, elephant fish."  
"Didn't everyone else say catfish?"  
"Yes, but everyone hates me, especially Jack. He's got a major conspiracy against me – he'd just jealous, he'd do anything to stop me winning the money."  
"Right… so that's your final answer?"  
"Yes."  
"OK, well, it's wrong. I'm afraid you two are mindless morons, please go back to America and never set foot in this country again. If you ever do, it will be too soon."  
"So what do we win?"  
"Nothing! Grief…" _buzzer sounds_ "Well, it appears that that's all we have time for today! Thank you for watching 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?', goodbye!"

_Host walks off and is heard muttering something about a dinner date with Anne Robinson as the lights dim and cameras stop rolling. Anise hits Maybourne with her handbag and storms off_  
"Well, of all the nerve…"  
_He follows her off-stage, spurred on by the audience chanting 'Jerry, Jerry'…_


End file.
